Back in the saddle...

My name is Nick (still, lol.) I am a 26 year old, not so newly wed husband. I am still crazy about my wife like we have just been married. But we got 2 years under our belts and countless amounts of trials and growth periods knocked out.

I was pretty naive when I started this blog. But the 2+ years that we have gone through have left me a little more jaded >_>.

It seems like the plans we made for our lives were not the plans God had for us.

Two years ago, I was supposed to go to nursing school, get my RN and make gobs and gobs of money to support my family.

And the Lord said...No.

I kicked, I screamed and that answer never changed.

Plan A just got tossed out the window. What now? Where is the peace? What do we do now?

Well we have spent the last two years trying to answer this question. God has provided for us time and time again since this fiasco started. He has always been faithful to us and, while he has taken us through some rough territory, deep valleys and some dark places. He has never left us. Our fears and doubts may have told us that He did, but He has never left our side.

Now we are back in another valley...

and we are still being led and held by Him. But it's different this time. The trial is harder than any we have faced up to this point. The path is darker and more convoluted than it has ever been. We are living with my in laws, have another baby due in a few months (like less than 3) and it still feels like we are wandering around in a daze. I have no job and any income I do see is quickly spent keeping our heads above water. The LORD provides, even when we feel like He forgets about us.

Now if I could just embed that in my mind...and keep that peace.

Please don't mark : return to sender.

What a day. Today was my birthday and it was pretty good. My family, both immediate and extended and many of my friends wished me a happy birthday. Thank you for today.

After all was said and done, brit and I came home. My grand mom on my dad's side usually sends me a card every year. This year, she didn't. I am greatly saddened by that. So around 12am I decided i would write her. What ensued was a tear filled hour of me reliving my past. I was immersed in childhood memories, emotions and visions of the past. I had written her a letter about the things we went through together. A letter about what she had missed since my parents divorce. A letter about what is happening now in my life. And finally a letter about what I wanted to come up in my life. I signed it telling her that I missed her very very very much. I told her that I wanted to try to renew connections and start over again.

Then, a Revelation!

This is how God feels about man kind!

Head knowledge became heart knowledge. Praise God!

Oh my LORD please help us!

When Adam sinned he divorced mankind from the love God had intended us to share with him forever. We were meant to be a holy family. But through Adam's infidelity he divorced us from that.God has written us 66 love letter about how much he misses us and longs to be with us.

How many love letters have you written back?

He has sent so many mailmen to deliver these messages.

Who has received them?

Please don't mark them return to sender.

It's a short one tonight. Praise the Lord, he is almighty. Please take the time to find out what i mean and don't just blow me off.

Who do you work for?

Brittany and I were in the car the other day talking. We weren't discussing much, just small talk. The conversation eventually wandered to some of the people who have come and gone from our church. They were all different people but they all had the same M.O. (modus operandi ) These were people who had a 'desire' to join us. They were people who wanted to be around us and share a personal thing with us. They wanted to worship with us. As time passed we as a church befriended them. We went out of our way to help them with transportation, bills, jobs, all kinds of stuff. More time went on, and they were good friends of ours. But life happened, people started running low on cash, started not having enough time to really help out. In other words, these people, our 'family,' were not getting the help they wanted. So, they dumped us. We were left slack-jawed and baffled. After all the time we invested, meals we fed them, help we gave them, they dumped us.

Time has given me this revalation: Many relationships are like this.

Novel, depressing idea huh?

Pretty obvious but it is an idea that deserves some thought. This attitude can have us chewing people up and spitting them out on a daily basis. This is a deadly attitude. A "me first" attitude that children have. And an attitude that ,sadly, many adults never grow out of. Just imagine it with me, an entire nation of 30-50 year old...children. All trying to figure out what is best for them. This mentality barely works in a home, let alone a nation.

Who here that has read this has been involved in a relationship like this?

User or used, it still leaves you wanting. The user walks away with the next target in their eye and a plan to get that next desire filled. The used is just left there standing wondering what happened, probably feeling empty. I see this happening a lot in teens. Usually when one party desires sex and the other party is just there, clueless. They may not know just what that single act entails, but I promise you it will change your life. It could permanently disfigure you spiritually, and set you on a quest to find that thing you lost. With the possibility of feeling empty or broken for the rest of your day. Or, if used as God intended, it could cement the most important earthly bond in your life. Sex was meant to be between a husband and a wife. God wired us to operate that way.

"But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. (1 Corinthians 7: 2-3)"

I know it's an awkward subject, but it's one I've found to be true.

-continued tomorrow.-

I'll take hope for 700 alex.

The dictionary describes wealth as: a great quantity or store of money, valuable possessions, property, or other riches. That is something my wife and I don't right now. As a matter of fact, at this moment we have a total income of... zip, zilch or Nada. Our bank accounts are dry save for a few dollars. We have enough money to pay our phone bill for one more month. Brittany is getting a few jobs here and there to bring in some extra money. Thank God for Jennifer asking her to help with weddings. Google just notified me that my first check will be coming in the mail soon. A whopping $20! Thanks for checking out the blog and clicking those ads folks. Brit, baby and I can use all the extra income we can get.

I am working on getting a job right now but I keep running into dead ends and lots of runaround. You would think for a newlywed couple being as broke as us that we would be fighting a lot more than we are. Granted the situation does have us stressed we aren't superheroes after all. It doesn't have us fighting or placing the blame on the other. It's not her fault that her job is on a hiatus right now. Her employers are thinking about moving overseas. They did not want to leave us high and dry if they had to suddenly pick up and move. That is something to be thankful for. They gave her enough money for us to pay last months rent and bills (almost.) That gave us some time get organized and formulate a game plan. Sure the future looks a little bleak right now if I look at it wrong. Sure, we might lose our town home that we are staying in right now. The power might get shut off, we might not be able to pay the rest of our bills. These are all possibilities, they aren't realities. I could give up hope and just accept that we could be out of here in December. But, its not so yet. The devil wants us to believe that its happening NOW. But a wise man knows it's not. Succumbing to that kind of fear can leave one feeling powerless, hopeless and scared. These are prime conditions for sabotaging your marriage, men.

How many times do we lose sight of the things we have when we focus on the things we want?

Given the situation I find myself saying, 'If I work my tail off just doing a job I'm comfortable with I can survive.' or, the translated version, 'If I sell my soul, time and dreams for 8.75 an hour I can work weather this storm, the world told me so.'

So what if I will hardly ever see my wife and soon to be child. Who cares is school goes to the wayside? At least right now, I will be comfortable. That kind of comfort is short lived. That's not the kind of comfort I want. For me or my family. God has offered us a better life. The only payment for that is that we trust in him. He will give us the peace and wisdom to sustain us in this time of tribulation. All we have to do is believe that He will.

"One day Jesus said to his disciples, "Let's go over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and set out. As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him." (Luke 8:22-25 NIV)

My family and I are in a boat, much like the disciples. I can feel the angry wind on my skin and taste the sea spray on my tongue. The boat is rocking very badly and yes I am afraid that we are going to sink. How much longer will we be able to float?

I am reminded of a line from The Lord of the Rings, The fellowship of the ring. In the scene in which Gandalf the gray first arrives in the Shire. Frodo, says to him, 'Gandalf you're late!' The wise old wizard just looks calmly and says 'A wizard is never late, he arrives precisely when he intends to.'

God works the same way. I'm ready for a rescue right this moment, so i don't have to stay and suffer this annoying storm. But God uses these time to chip away at our imperfections and to temper us in his will. He is forging us into something stronger so we will be equipped to handle anything that happens in the future. And we know it will. There is no doubt in my mind that as long as Brit and I keep the faith and don't give in to the storm that we will survive. It's not the end of the world, even though sometimes it might feel like it.


The dictionary also describes wealth as : an abundance or profusion of anything; plentiful amount.

We will live with hope, that is our wealth.

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:24-25)

Learning how to use my ears.

My wife started her own photography business a few months back.(you should check it out here! It has been developing slowly much to our dismay. But it grew as fast at it could considering that she was working 40+ hours a week as a nanny. The slow growth is not something that we desired, but we are OK with it. We both understand that good things and businesses do not develop overnight. Your children are not conceived, grown and born in a week. It takes an average 9 months for them to grow up enough to come into the world. I like to think of her business like that. Today might be considered a kick in the womb. The business has not been fully born yet, but it's working on it. And that leaves my wife in a vulnerable position at times.

Like I said, up until now business has been slow. She quite often thought that the business would never grow, like an un-watered seed. She had a hard time believing that it would ever grow into anything at all. Her faith was being tested as was her trust in the Lord. And she was turning to me for help.

I wasn't raised in the most supportive family situation. Most of the encouragement that needed wasn't there. Or when it was there, it was in short supply. My mother was torn between the two men in her life, my step-dad and myself. Occasionally she would get in trouble for talking to me in my room. So, needless to say, there were issues growing up.

But at that moment, listening to my wife talk about her fears and worries, I was being called upon to do something that I was not comfortable doing. I did not have much practice in supporting another person. I spent so much time alone that I suppose I never learned how to do. I felt very uncomfortable at that time. I said something like "eh, don't worry about it. It will be OK." Which is pretty much a write-off. I never asked her why she was so worried about it. I never said anything that tells her that I was listening. Now this was early in our marriage and I have since had chances to improve on my support techniques.

I was called out of my comfort zone. I was challenged with something that I had never encountered seriously. Before my wife all the times i was called to be supportive (which were not many, I was a loner for my adolescent years) were never taken seriously. So what is a man to do. I had a job to do, but I did not have the tools to get it done. I didn't have a plan. Worse of all, in this situation, I didn't have anything to say. But I was given the words to speak and shown how to act in this situation by watching others. I asked my wife questions about why she was getting discouraged. I probed into the problem and while no resolution was reached. She was comforted by me just merely listening. Another skill I've had to learn since I was married. I was out of my comfort zone, addressing a problem I was ill equipped to handle at that time. It was not the first time and it sure won't be the last time.

"...he has set you apart with much joy." (Psalms 45:7 NCV)

Webster's dictionary defines Joy as: the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight. And what a delight it is. Today was a good day in the life. Brittany caught me at a bad time. My nose was itching and I was in the middle of giving it a good scratch when she decided to 'pat' my elbow a little bit. Well, when she decided to do that, we hit a bump. Needless to say, I scratched my nose from the inside and it started bleeding. It hurt, but not bad. I did hold my nose and acted like I was mad. She bought it and inside I was laughing. She is one of those people who laugh when things get tough or intense. So, she bust out laughing as I told her I had a nose bleed. I knew she felt bad for doing that to me and would never hurt me like that purposely. But she was still laughing like it was the funniest thing in awhile.

I could have handled this one of a few different ways. I could have gotten mad and yelled at her. But we all know how that could end. I could have made her feel horrible. But that would only be a choice if I was a selfish man who married her for the sheer fact that I did not want to be alone. OR I could make light of the situation. I chose C. And guess what, in this test it was the right answer. WE both got a laugh out of it. It engaged her emotions and got her involved in the moment because, for a moment, she was worried she had hurt me pretty bad. But after all was said and done, it was just a joke. Much of life can be seen like that.

How many times do we make mountains out of molehills? How many times do we give out undue harshness as husbands? For silly little things, I know my nose will heal. If I had yelled at her, or (God forbid) struck her as some short tempered individuals might have done. A harmless scratch, that means nothing in the long run, could have been a painful wound in my woman's heart. It's in times like these that the devil sneaks in and starts sharing his little lies with your mind. 'She did it on purpose! Yell! or See? She doesn't care about you, why would she hurt you intentionally? Show her how it feels.' Suddenly, we are under the control of a more sinister power. That roaring lion that seeks to devour us is staring us down. Some of us might buckle and agree. "Yeah! She did it purpose, how dareshe..." Lord help us. Others of us will stare that stinkin' lion in the face and run him off. One decision can take a moment of Joy. A rare moment in some peoples lives, and throw it in the wood chipper break it up into hamster bedding. What a waste!

Joy is another one of the gems of life. But it is not something to be kept to one's self. Few if any gifts from the Lord are like that. No, it is to be shared. As a married man, I want to share this with my wife. My wife and I are both jobless and the rent is due at the end of the month. Here is the kicker. We are, the happiest we have been in awhile. I know, we're nuts right? Nope, we just know where to put our trust. In the Bible, Paul writes this to the Romans. "I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him. Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13 NCV) WHAT A BLESSING!
In a hopeless situation, like the one we are in, we are given peace and joy! Why? Well we have our trust in the Lord. We know this situation is small when you compare it to the things He has done before. But the real reason we are given this is because HE LOVES US!
"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son so that whoever believes in him may not be lost, but have eternal life." (John 3:16 NCV)
Fathers: do you love that homeless guy on the street enough to sacrifice your son?
What about your best friend?
Is he worth your son's life?

I assume most of us answered no. I know I will. God said yes. He told us we were worth it, and then He proved it. Praise be to God. The "God who is my JOY and happiness." (Psalms 43:4 NCV)

I pray that the same joy that God has blessed my wife and I with shows up in your life too. If you do not know Jesus, I pray that you gain a desire and a hunger in your heart for him. Amen.

"When a man finds a wife, he finds something good. It shows that the LORD is pleased with him." (Pro 18:22 NCV)

Tonight as I prepare for sleep, many thoughts come to my head:
Do I love my wife the way she deserves to be loved?
Do I have what it takes?
Am I willing to do what it takes?
How many times will I fail and pick myself back up?
OR Will I give up?

Brittany, my lovely bride, is asleep next to me as i write. She is looking just as beautiful as ever. She looks very peaceful as she sleeps. I could watch her all night, such moments are fleeting and should be considered gifts from God. How many marriages could have been saved if people took the time to properly appreciate their spouse?

We have gone through many things in the short 8 months we have been married. My aunt passed away a week after we were married. I've lost a job. We've gotten pregnant, another blessing from God. Our dedication to each other has been tested and tried. We've both come under spiritual attack. There have been days that we can't stand to be around each other. So all in all, its been a pretty normal marriage so far. Ha Ha.

But no matter what we end up going through, we have gone through it together. We both know, that no matter what happens we will always have each other. When we took our vows, we meant them. This isn't a game. We aren't playing fake money and little plastic cars. There is no buzzing spinner. There is no colored tile telling us we had a child, its a boy, put the blue peg in your car and roll again. This is life. Marriage is serious business. But sadly society tells us that it's not. Time and time again we see marriages in shambles. And it needs to stop.

Men, let me ask you a question? What comes first in your marriage? Is there anything that comes before your marriage?
For me the first answer is my wife. Not my children, not my job, not my hobbies. MY WIFE IS FIRST!So often do our mates get stranded in the dust of our construction. Waiting for us to come back to them and just give them some quality attention. I don't mean sex. I mean serious attention. One that engages their minds, their hearts, their very essence. Sure, the kids take a lot of time and opportunities for you and your wife to connect. But they don't steal them all away. There are still times to devote to her. Don't let your selfish ambitions get in the way.

As for the second question, the only thing that comes before my marriage is the being that made marriage a holy union, God. Without the LORD in both of our lives, I believe without the shadow of a doubt that our marriage would fail. He is the rock that the house we have built stands. The connection between that house and the rock must be maintained! Anyone living in south Texas knows what happens when foundations shift. Walls crack, doors don't close like they should, dust, mold and pollens get in. Given enough time, the house will crumble from the small but steady forces that get in the home. If you maintain a strong, well maintained connection with that foundation, the home will stand strong. And when we get married isn't that what we want? Who starts out a marriage with the intent to let it crumble and ruin? Maybe people who sign prenuptial agreements, but that's another story.

The marriage vows are something to strive to live to. They are a set of guidelines, and more importantly promises that we make each other. They are not easy as times, and they do not happen overnight. They are things that we have to work towards. So often people get disappointed here. The ceremony is not a cure all. The problems that may have been there are not gone when you walk out of the chapel. But you do walk out having made a promise to work through them together. "For better or worse." These vows are not easy, and they never claim to be. Granted before we got married we were in love. Now that we are married, that same love must be preserved. The Royal jewels of the British monarchy are heavily guarded. The love between you and your wife must be treated with the same caution and care. She is your crown jewel!She is something to be guarded, loved and pursued!

Pursued?! WE are already married, she is mine. Why do i have to pursue her still?
The Bible says "The Devil, YOUR enemy, goes around like a roaring lion looking for someone to eat.(1 Peter 5:8)" YOUR enemy will stop at nothing to take you down, he will attack your marriage if that's what it takes to stop you.

Pursued?! You, the man, are the thief. When you first desired her, you sought to take something. Hopefully, it was her heart. (If not, you should re-examine yourself as a 'man.' And this time be honest.)You wanted that crown jewel. She kept it away, guarded. This is a fragile precious thing and we have to recognize it as such. You chased it once. You must continue to chase it, or it will get away forever. Much like the crown jewels are hidden and heavily guarded, so is the true nature of your woman.
"Among the young women, my darling is like a lily among thorns!(Songs 2:2 NCV)"
Are you willing to reach in and pick that flower?